I find myself staring out the window  as she sits beside me. How can two people so close be so far apart?  I break the silence as I turn to her, "You've never told me why you love stars so much." Nodding my head in the direction of the blue and white star plastered on her shoes and shirt.

"I look at the stars and think, my problems are tiny compared to the infinite vastness of space, and the grandness of the stars that reside within it."

Our eyes finally connect and I feel more alive than I've felt for days. Digging into my pocket I withdraw a letter I'd been hiding for days. With the weight of the world on my shoulders I open my mouth and speak softly, as though I'm trying to tell the world a secret that not even I want to hear.

"I'm leaving."  Three syllables, so simple. These words stand out in my mind like a papercut does on a finger. It's always the smallest ones that get you the worst. "They sent this a few days ago, I'm being called overseas. .

"You told me if they ever wanted you to, you'd never leave. How long have you kept this from me, and why did you lie?"  She looks over at me, her eyes filling up with water at such a rate that I feel as though they could flood the room.

"It was easier for me to tell you a beautiful lie, then to burden you with such an ugly truth." I respond after what seems like an eternity.  "I..."
Like everything else in my life over the past year, words have failed me.  "Look, I'll be fine.  A few guys at work got called over and it seems as though we'll be in the same platoon."  Lying got easier the more I did it.


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It's not as if i like lying to her, but then again this isn't the first time i had done so either. I can't look into her beautiful eyes any longer. It would kill her if she even knew the half of it. This letter wasn't a coincidence.

"How long will you be gone..?" She manages to whisper.

"I don't know... Quite some time..." I lied.

She is a tough girl, she will be okay. But its not like I don't love her anymore, we are just so separate. I can't stand it any longer, how could I possibly go through with this? I don't want anybody to get hurt, but no matter what decision I make, somebody's heart is going to be broken. I've already began, there is no turning back now. It would hurt her just as much if I were to admit it all. My head is throbbing, I can't keep my thoughts clear. I pry my eyes off of the timeless stars. She is still staring directly at my eyes.


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Tearing my gaze from hers, I make my way towards the front door of our apartment. Every sentiment I ever felt came rushing back to me.  I almost pull my shaking hand from the door knob but I decide that I need to stay strong.  How could I tell her that I knew I wouldn't be coming back?  I open the door gently, turned back and say "It's okay, really. I'll be back before you know it."

"Make sure to write everyday." She says, looking at me from behind a wall of tears.

Taking a deep breath, I step over the threshold and quietly shut the door behind me. The hall way makes her sobs echo to the point where it seems like the entire building is mourning my loss.


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It is a sleepless night. The phone rings several times but i find myself incapable of answering it. I try to sleep but the pain I feel in my gut is too much for me to bare, my eyes are constantly drawn back to the stars.

"How could I have waited until the night before my flight to tell her? How could I do this to her? Am I being greedy? How am I even capable of being such a heartless bastard?!"

A river of never ending questions slosh around in my mind. Every single thought returning, every single question meshing together into a confusing mass of contradictory thoughts. My headache continues to worsen.

"Is she really worth doing this to my baby?"

The alarm clock buzzes.


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I swing wildly as I try to bring the alarm clock to a screeching halt.  I violently rub my eyes, trying to scratch the image of my love crying out of my mind.  I sit up and pick up the silent phone that had just stopped ringing.  The closer I get to dialing her number, the tighter the knot in my chest gets. I am a single digit away from bearing my heart and soul to the woman I left behind when she stumbles roughly through the door.

"Who are you calling?" She says, her voice slurred from God knows how many shots of vodka.  A minute passes before her eyes become accusatory. "I said what are you doing."


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"Oh, uh..." I stammer.

I don't know what to say. I've never seen her like this before. Of course I knew she drank, we have drank together a couple of times, but I have never seen her this drunk before.

"What?! You were going to call her weren't you!?" She shrieks. "You were suppos'd to've already told her that you were goin' overseas! If you haven't done it by now why bother?!" she continues yelling but i faze her out.

The woman i have become so attached to is beginning to seem completely different. No. She must have been like this the entire time. People don't just change. And then i remember, I have never seen her this drunk before. Maybe she is still the woman I love on the inside? Why am I drawn to her even when she is acting out so badly? In fact she is being a bitch. What made her so much better than the alternative? Nothing. She was simply something new. I would probably bore of her eventually too. But no. I haven't bored of either of them yet, and i doubt i ever will. But for some reason there is a vast emptiness deep within me, that I can never seem to fill. Alas, no matter how hard I try, wish, pine, pray, I'm always left with absolutely nothing but absolute desolation. But she cares so much for me, and she cares so much about me. How is it possible for any being to be as heartless as I?

"No dear, I'm sorry. I was just calling to make sure that our flight was on time" Torn between the two I insist that i care more for her than anything in the world. "Lets go, we wouldn't want to miss our flight"

She prances back outside, over to my convertible. I grab my keys and pause at the door. Can I continue to do this? It wont be long before all of this crashes down on me like everything else in my life. Was there still time to fix the only thing I've ever had?


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I feel hollow, like the inside of the airplane flying us over an ocean of my own tears and regrets. Flash backs keep coming back to taunt me like the little devil who convinced me to be with her.  When we first moved into that apartment, I couldn't believe she had actually agreed to move in with me. Every dream I had ever had about finding love came true in the form of someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.  At least I could've, in the life I once had before I inherited this shadow of a soul.

We check into the hotel at 9:30.  For what seems to be the thousandth time in a few weeks, I find myself staring out the window into the night sky.  I cherish these moments, because I know somewhere mere miles from me, she's staring out at the stars, trying to find some sort or relief.

"I think I'm going to head off the the 7-11 just around the corner." My voice sounds calm and natural as we share what may be our final conversation.


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I leave the hotel and head in the direction of the 7/11. My eyes are locked on the stars and I walk for several hours like that before realizing I had passed I the shop. I can't keep my eyes off of the stars, and my mind off of her. Walking through a park I sit down on the ledge of a fountain to think. My thoughts are clouded, all I can think about is her. I shake my head and let myself drop backwards into the fountain behind me, momentarily washing away all of the pain. I begin to walk again, back towards the hotel at first, but then in the opposite direction again.

"That must be it... I really can't be happy. No matter how perfect everything is, its never good enough for me..." I mutter out loud. "I love them both so much, and they love me, I could never hurt either one of them..."

For half a second foolish thoughts of us all living together rush through my tangled mind. Not knowing what to do, I catch a bus. My seat in the back is dark and lonely. I delusively wipe the tears from my eyes, and look up to find the bus has stopped and the old woman driving is watching me. I pretend not to see her and turn to the window. I look up to the stars only to find that it has clouded over and i can no longer see them. I miss her more than anyone has ever missed anybody. I long to be with her, holding each other, tangled in each other, no one but us and the stars.

"I can't do this anymore!" The bus stops.

Its raining and although all of my clothes are back at the hotel, I don't care. I run towards the airport without another single thought, her image burned on my eyelids. I run for hours thinking of nothing but her. I can finally see the large concrete building.

"Just a few more yards, Why are there no lights on?" I realize that it is the middle of the night and the airport is closed at the same moment that a loose rock is caught between myself and the earth.

I fall flat on my face, in a puddle of mud much like the majority of my depressing life. I lie there, with my head on its side, considering never getting up again. I open my eyes the reflection in the puddle catches my eye. The clouds are clearing. I can see the stars again and I remember that all of my pain is nothing compared to the infinite vastness of space.